JEG LER (akkurat min type humor)

- My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said 'All right, fatty!'

- I was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago, I got talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said 'It's Petaka'. I said 'That's an unusual name, you don't hear that everyday'. To which she replied; 'Actually, I do'.

- If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

- You may be wondering about my accent. 'cause technically, I don't have an accent. I'm from England. This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly.

- I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking', which is ideal for her because not only is she a vegeterian.

- They say 'Travel broadens the mind'. Except with Americans, where it tends to widen the arse.

Don't get the wrong idea, I've got nothing against Americans, it's just one came up to me after a show couple of weeks ago and said 'I think you're patrionising'. I said 'Well, I think you may find that's pronounced 'patronizing'. 'It's when you talk down to someone.'

- A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I know it comes as a shock. I won't get into details, but I 'arrived early'. And my girlfriend said to me 'Don't worry, that happens to a lot of guys'. I said 'Well, there's two things a matter with that! One - who is these 'a lot of guys'? And two - if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?'

- If you took all the money that we in the west spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. Now, I don't know about you good people, but I can't help feeling - we're being overcharged for our groceries!

Jimmy Carr